A Guide To Social Media (A Satirical Blog Post)

Using Social Media Platforms (Facebook, Twitter, Snapchat, Instagram, etc...) can be scary, so I'm here to help! Here are some tips I've learned through my years of online experience on how to use Social Media most effectively:

1) Make sure to post the same thing on every Social Platform. Someone might miss it if you don't!

2) When posting a "selfie", use filters. Make sure to eliminate any trace of blemishes, this way when people meet you, they will totally be able to recognize yo....oh...wait...

3) Ask celebrities to retweet you constantly on Twitter. They TOTALLY love that!

4) Send Facebook game requests to your friends who don't play them. This will encourage them to join you! If they don't respond the first or second time, send it three or four more times.

5) Snapchat filters and stickers are so much fun! Make sure to use them all the time and even use them outside of Snapchat! Babies love them too!

6) GoFundMe is a great way to get people to give you money for stuff you are too lazy to save up for yourself. Write up a great story about that trip to Disney you always wanted to go on or how you always wanted those calf implants.

7) If using Twitter to promote your business or blog, make sure to complain every time your tweets don't get retweeted or liked. People/Customers love seeing that. Also, no need to have separate business/personal accounts. They will be able to figure out which tweets are which.

8) Use Facebook and Twitter as your personal diary. Never be afraid of sharing too much. There is no such thing as TMI.

9) If you are a parent, please make sure to document every single moment of your child's life! Nothing is too embarrassing! Those kids will grow up and laugh! (we think)

10) Students love to trash their teachers, why not online, right?! No one will ever figure out it's you.

11) Sub-tweet or Vaguebook. All. The. Time.

12) Humblebrag about yourself. People know deep down you are really modest.

13) Change your username on Twitter/Instagram/Snapchat every week. People love the mystery.

14) Invite people to everything using Facebook Invites. Hardcopy invitations are so 2010.

15) Use one of those "following me"/"unfollowing me" programs on Twitter and have it post to your account every day so we can all find out how many people followed/unfollowed you every day!

16) Keep your accounts public, even if your company could potentially be watching your social media accounts. No one cares what you say!

17) If you don't trust your significant other, share a Facebook account with them. That's sure to keep them honest!

18) Live tweet TV shows without using hashtags. No one really uses that mute function anyway and people really like your recaps!

19) Don't filter yourself. Say whatever comes to your mind.

20) And last but not least, don't ever delete your MySpace account! Tom would miss you too much!

(Disclaimer...I am writing this as a satirical blog post. Which means that I'm poking fun. At me. At you. At people we know.I have done all of these things at one point or another. Don't take this blog post seriously. It's called satire for a reason. I'm trying to make you laugh.)